Category Archives: coping

How Ombudsman programs are helping military families

Leave a reply

I was invited to speak about how deployment effected me as a guardian/grandparent at an Ombudsman conference by the Naval Reserve on Saturday January 22. I was unsure what is an Ombudsman? I had to look up the definition of word and found out  it means- a person investigates complaints and mediates fairly.

Once I realized I would be speaking  to individuals that directly  help military families I could hardly wait. Being able to share what I learned in order to help those facing what I did I could not ask for anything more. I put together a PowerPoint presentation which listed the characteristics of being a working empty nester guardian/grandparent and all the issues we faced during our daughters deployment.  I was encouraged to bring a copy of my book and any materials I felt I thought would be helpful. I brought  the magazine National Foundations November issue which featured our family, copies of 10 tips to prepare for deployment, copy of my book and a family picture.

I drove to San Diego yesterday which is about 1 hour and 45 minutes. It was a beautiful day and the drive went very quickly.

When I arrived at the conference I set up my display of materials onto a large table.  The conference  coordinators introduce me to  a group of approximately 30 Ombudsman . I told my story and along with my PowerPoint. they listened intently and I knew they were truly interested in better understanding of what guardians go through.

I also shared with them some of my new items I will be releasing in a few months, revising my book to include a deployment guide and my granddaughters book- Deployed Kids. This book is a kid to kid book written by my granddaughters. Once it’s published it will be available through my website. The attendees of the conference had many questions and great suggestions as I move forward in helping families on my website. They even suggested that single parents that plan to marry, the new spouse would appreciate my information. I never thought of that. They asked me if I would be able to come to events where deployed guardians would be attending and speak to those groups, and I agreed to help in anyway I could. This is what I have been waiting for.

I learned that the Navy and Coast Guard have Ombudsman’s through out the country, the Army have Army Family Liaison Officers, and the Marines have Key Volunteer Network. They all work with the Military  Family Care groups. They informed  me that the local  Orange County Marine Base Camp Pendleton  would have helped me when my daughter was deployed even though my daughter was in the Air Force.  This is something I am going to investigate into. They shared with me  that any branch of service will help a deployed family. I wondered why everyone does not know that?

These Ombudsman are the spouses of military and they truly care. One Ombudsman came up to me after I spoke and said to me “ I am sorry Debbie, we failed you while your daughter was deployed!” I told her not to worry I didn’t know at the time that there was help out there. A Naval Captain came up to me and said “ You have made my officers think about our deployed sailors and their families, Thank you for sharing your story”.

I  look forward to working with such a fine group of people dedicated to helping us clueless civilians.

I am on a mission now to get my word out to all of those helping liaisons with military families. If you know of any please send me your comments.

I am a guest blogger on the DOD Family Matters website

Leave a reply

I was honored to be  interviewed my Elaine Wilson of the DOD Family Matters website about being a guardian for my granddaughters during our daughter’s deployment.  After the  interview  was completed, Elaine asked me if I would like to be a guest blogger on the DOD Family Matters website. She felt I could share some specific topics that could help deployed families. I couldn’t say yes fast enough. This site is addressing so many issues that military families face.

Guardians and Grandparents are a small group of the over all military numbers.  I have found we are about 10 percent.  The Department of Defense is now recognizing that military families need help, due to the multiple deployments and single parenting that has grown over the years.

Here is my article I wrote and my picture with my granddaughters.

http://afps.dodlive.mil<http://afps.dodlive.mil/>

ENJOY!

How can there be different stages during deployment?

Leave a reply

No one told me that there were different phases I would be experiencing  during my daughter’s deployment .

In the beginning of my daughters’ deployment all I could do was to try and get my granddaughters settled to their new surroundings. And  I was adjusting to my new role as their temporary mother. I was unsure that I would face during  deployment. I soon found learned that there are  three stages of deployment.

Predeployment

Deployment

Reintegration

Pre-deployment is a  preparation for my new role as a mother to my granddaughters. I had very little time to really think about what I was about to encounter. I was in shock when my daughter told us she was to deploy. She tried to full warn me but I stayed in a denial, hoping if I did not think about deployment it would not effect me.  That was a big mistake!  Once I learned my daughter was to deploy, I asked myself “How could this happen?” “Why me?”  I did not understand that all I did was make things harder for myself by not preparing. Do yourself a favor, learn what you can as soon as possible. The more time you can think about your new upcoming situation the better it will be for you.

I have 10 tips list to help you prepare.

Once deployment has happened  its strange at first . You are trying to adjust to your new role. You fill feel frustrated, anxious, and just plan scared. This is because you have never experienced this before. I tried very hard to stay positive for my granddaughters and my daughter. Our family was  all trying to be brave for one another. I couldn’t share what I was truly feeling, I was  so scared. I soon learned to  imagine a good outcome. Picturing everyone happy and all together again.

Communicating with the deployed, this can be very comforting for all of us. My daughter was unable to contact us for several weeks, so I experienced a feeling of loss.  Cut off from her. But once she did call us, that feeling went away.

I established daily routines for myself, granddaughters and my husband and life started becoming easier. Focusing on what we had to do each day, week and up coming month.

Reintegration was something I was totally unprepared for. I though it would be like Christmas, everyone would celebrate and we would be happy.

I learned that  my daughter’s deployed lifestyle was so different  compared to her lifestyle here in the USA . When my daughter returned she was thrilled to be with her children, but her attitude had changed. I found out later this was very common.  I think this was one of hardest parts of deployment as a parent. You just want your child to be like how they were before deployment, but they have changed. I can say it took my daughter several weeks to adjust to being a mother again, and months getting use to working and living back in her old routine prior to her deployment. One thing I recommend is to be very patient. Try to be understanding and  remember time heals all.

I also was told by a nurse, working with returning Vets- the deployed  adrenal glands are so pumped up because of their deployed working environment, it’s hard for them to relax when they come home. Once deployment is over they feel like they have been running a marathon and now they have hit a wall. My daughter experienced challenges in making any kind of decisions, which was totally uncharacteristic for her.  She became frustrated with herself.

What I was unaware of at the time, that helped my daughter during this transition time, was she stayed with us for the first three weeks of her leave. This helped her ease into readjusting back to motherhood. What I found out was the entire family has to reintegrate.  My granddaughter’s got use to having their mother around and I started letting go of being a mother to my granddaughters . We were all reintegrating back to what we once were before deployment.

Once you understand the different stages of deployment and how to adjust to them, you will have a better understanding of the process.