Category Archives: Keep the communication going

How can there be different stages during deployment?

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No one told me that there were different phases I would be experiencing  during my daughter’s deployment .

In the beginning of my daughters’ deployment all I could do was to try and get my granddaughters settled to their new surroundings. And  I was adjusting to my new role as their temporary mother. I was unsure that I would face during  deployment. I soon found learned that there are  three stages of deployment.

Predeployment

Deployment

Reintegration

Pre-deployment is a  preparation for my new role as a mother to my granddaughters. I had very little time to really think about what I was about to encounter. I was in shock when my daughter told us she was to deploy. She tried to full warn me but I stayed in a denial, hoping if I did not think about deployment it would not effect me.  That was a big mistake!  Once I learned my daughter was to deploy, I asked myself “How could this happen?” “Why me?”  I did not understand that all I did was make things harder for myself by not preparing. Do yourself a favor, learn what you can as soon as possible. The more time you can think about your new upcoming situation the better it will be for you.

I have 10 tips list to help you prepare.

Once deployment has happened  its strange at first . You are trying to adjust to your new role. You fill feel frustrated, anxious, and just plan scared. This is because you have never experienced this before. I tried very hard to stay positive for my granddaughters and my daughter. Our family was  all trying to be brave for one another. I couldn’t share what I was truly feeling, I was  so scared. I soon learned to  imagine a good outcome. Picturing everyone happy and all together again.

Communicating with the deployed, this can be very comforting for all of us. My daughter was unable to contact us for several weeks, so I experienced a feeling of loss.  Cut off from her. But once she did call us, that feeling went away.

I established daily routines for myself, granddaughters and my husband and life started becoming easier. Focusing on what we had to do each day, week and up coming month.

Reintegration was something I was totally unprepared for. I though it would be like Christmas, everyone would celebrate and we would be happy.

I learned that  my daughter’s deployed lifestyle was so different  compared to her lifestyle here in the USA . When my daughter returned she was thrilled to be with her children, but her attitude had changed. I found out later this was very common.  I think this was one of hardest parts of deployment as a parent. You just want your child to be like how they were before deployment, but they have changed. I can say it took my daughter several weeks to adjust to being a mother again, and months getting use to working and living back in her old routine prior to her deployment. One thing I recommend is to be very patient. Try to be understanding and  remember time heals all.

I also was told by a nurse, working with returning Vets- the deployed  adrenal glands are so pumped up because of their deployed working environment, it’s hard for them to relax when they come home. Once deployment is over they feel like they have been running a marathon and now they have hit a wall. My daughter experienced challenges in making any kind of decisions, which was totally uncharacteristic for her.  She became frustrated with herself.

What I was unaware of at the time, that helped my daughter during this transition time, was she stayed with us for the first three weeks of her leave. This helped her ease into readjusting back to motherhood. What I found out was the entire family has to reintegrate.  My granddaughter’s got use to having their mother around and I started letting go of being a mother to my granddaughters . We were all reintegrating back to what we once were before deployment.

Once you understand the different stages of deployment and how to adjust to them, you will have a better understanding of the process.

How to cope during the holiday when a loved one is away.

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Holidays are the most difficult time to have a loved one away from home.  Family  Traditions are built over the years, and is  what we have created  making our holidays special in our hearts. We have built in  holiday habits and they are  sometimes hard to change. Specially  when you are not the one wanting to change them. I learned during deployments And if you try to continue trying to keep your holiday the same as the past  you will be very disappointed. I found you will experience feelings of loss and sadness comparing what it was like in the past.

To make this time special for you and  everyone around you, I suggest you  first start with a mind change.  Be willing to change your traditional habits this holiday and create some new ones. This will be fun creating something new.

My grandchildren were use to celebrating their holiday with their mother and father. During deployment they were unable to see their parents. I knew this was hard for my granddaughters and my daughter deployed. So I thought lets make this a different time for all. I asked my granddaughters, “ How did they want to celebrate?”. They shared what they missed , but what they wanted to have. This helped them express their feelings and my feelings too!

It was fun making up new family traditions during deployment. The children got excited creating something new.

So be a kid again, explore  fun ways to celebrate. They will remember these times and it will be a new tradition for them.

The U. S. Postal Service was our best friend!

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Being a mother you always want to know what your child was doing, even if she was full grown. When our daughter Erin deployed to Afghanistan  we were very curious and so were her children. What was she experiencing in this part of the world? We had so many questions . What was her living conditions like? What  the type of food was she eating? How is  the weather compared to where we lived? And hoping she was in a safe environment.

We communicated in the beginning via the telephone. Due to the deployment location the phone service was marginal. Once you were connected and started to speaking on the phone , you would here an echo of yourself speaking. It made you forget what you were about to say.

There was so much we wanted  Erin to share with us, but all Erin wanted to do was to learn what her daughters, my husband and myself had been doing.

One thing  that allowed our daughter and granddaughters to stay connected was their school work. Our daughter would review Ivie and Bailey’s school work daily prior to her deployment. Since they were living with us now and their school work was quite different, Erin was all ears.

One day I decided to include Ivie and Bailey’s week’s work of homework, personal  notes they wrote to Erin and a few personal items Erin had requested. I sent these items in a USPS priority mail  military box  and mailed them off.  Once Erin received them she was so excited. She could see the homework  progress and could then be able to talk with Ivie and Bailey about their school work. Ivie and Bailey enjoyed discussing what they had been learning and filing their mom in on how they were doing.

Every two weeks I would gather the items we would send to Erin. When we were ready to mail our box, at  our local Post Office, the postal workers would  greet us cheerfully knowing it was for Ivie and Bailey’s mom. Once Erin received the box,  we looked forward to hearing her comments.

Erin said that this made her feel like she was still a part of her daughter’s lives, even though she was overseas.